The things I managed to grab within 15 minutes are all just lying in the hallway, they’ve been sat there for 2 days. Aunty A & K came over today (Mum’s best friends). They heard I’d come back to Mum’s house after the little one’s funeral. They were really upset too, it made me more upset. I don’t like the way people look at me, even though they’re not even looking in any way other than with best thoughts and intentions. I feel like I’m taking their emotions for what they feel for me and I find it too much. I can feel everything and its overwhelming. It’s draining me. I know Aunty K has always kept me in her prayers. She’s in prayer for hours daily and to think she includes me in that makes me feel very blessed. In fact, she even told me that she had a vision in prayer, and she can see someone whispering things in his ear.
Aunty A asked me how I’m feeling and what I want. I was taken aback by it, but I answered truthfully – that I really don’t feel like I know a thing, so I don’t think. Instead I just hold on to my faith and put all my trust in God, so I don’t feel like I need to make any decisions or choices and nor am I locking any doors. She told me I’m going to be fine and the way I’m dealing with this is very advancedand I’ll look back one day and feel proud of myself. I don’t really get it because I’m not doing anything, I’m not sticking up for myself, my rights – I can’t even let myself feel because the reality is the pain is too much and I can’t take it. I’m in no position to make any decision and who better than to leave everything to … a very good Arabi friend of mine always said ‘everything is in God’s hands so why worry for they are the safest hands of all’. Aunty A told me to write my hearts letter to God and take it to the Gurdwara. I’ve not really done anything like that before but as soon as she said that to me, I felt like I had a door to my next step.
My hearts letter to you,
I really don’t know what’s happening and everything has been taken out of my control, it’s all been taken out of my hands, I’ve had no say.
I’m doing my best to write in the most natural state, without putting in my hurt and sadness, I’m even too tired for that. I’m just writing my hearts letter to you. I don’t know what I want or what’s for the best, what the right thing to do is, all I pray is that you give me patience and strength, and that you keep helping me. I don’t know if I want to go back or if I want to stay. I love this man with my everything and when I entered into our Anand Karaj… well you know how much that ceremony meant to me. I can’t do anything & I don’t want to. I’ve had enough and I can’t take this life anymore.
I leave my all, my whole life at your door and I’ll get strong.
I trust that whatever door you open for me to walk, brings me closer to you and I trust that whatever happens now, is the best route for me.
I won’t make a move, and I promise I’ll try not to flip out and swear, and I’ll keep my cool.
It feels like that’s what your telling me. Thank you for the prayer. I don’t have any strength; I can’t get my mouth to speak and my body to move.
I’m going to take this to the Gurdwara with me, but I can’t leave it, so I’ll bring it back home.
I find speaking/writing to you a little strange and I know you feel all my pain and you can see everything that’s happening. I remember and meditate on you every day so please don’t go from me even if I don’t come back to talk to you. I will, I just don’t think I can do this again for quite a while because I’m too sad from you.
Aunty A told me ‘if you don’t feel and Love God – you don’t have your strongest you’.
August 31, 2021
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