01-09-2020
I woke from a dream. I dreamt of you. You were around 4 months. You looked so so happy & brave & beautiful.
Me and your Massi were with you.
Holding you.
You were laughing and had a big big smile.
It actually felt real, like I had you here in this life with me.
Now I’m heartbroken!
Because it was just a dream and, in this life, ill never get to hold you, hear the sound of your laugh.
I miss you so much of every single day.
I think I understand why you couldn’t stay; I don’t even know how I’ve got through the days.
I can’t wait for the day I get to pick you up, wrap you in all of this Mother Love.
Until then I know you are safe, but please come and see Mummy again.
All I could answer was that I needed you.
I wish I could hold you, feel you, your skin against mine.
I wish I could smell you, your newborn baby scent.
Please stay close to me. I still need you. I forever will. Maybe I needed you more than you needed me, that’s why all this had to happen.
You are the purest, most beautiful, special and truly the most incredible experience of life.
I just love you more than I ever thought possible. Please don’t ever go from me.
I’m too sad today and I feel fragile and emotional, just hurt.
I’ll get up soon and start the day but before I do, here’s my gratitude
I am grateful for my faith, for the Lord gives me strength and he gave me you.
I am grateful for my limbs, grateful to hit the floor with my feet and walk through life – some days anyway, just one step at a time. Xxx
Wednesday 2nd September 2020
I am grateful for a new morning & for the sun rising.
I am grateful for my Brother!
I am grateful for my mind being more aware and conscious.
I am grateful for learning, healing & becoming better, happier.
Emotions are feeling very heavy, it’s exhausting, it feels like a constant cycle of ups and downs, smiles but always tears. As I keep getting further down the road map of life, I stay close to you, keep my heart full of Love & Gratitude, knowing whatever the battle, whatever the storm – life is a journey and a drama. I trust in the Divine and feel peace & protection amongst the chaos & destruction of a grieving mother’s heart.
It’s hard to explain, Heartbreak is such a pain but in that there’s so much to gain.
The lower the low, The higher the high!
