I waited so long for my little one’s last bits…
Reading these journal writings to upload to the blog upset me. It triggered me to remember what it was like to be without all my baby’s things. I know it still affects me, I become aware of it because I feel it in my body first; it hurts, the pain travels through me. & then I get a series of flashbacks of what it felt like and to remember myself like that; it’s not nice. The brain doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality, so every-time past events are re-called, the brain registers the event as if it’s being lived in the present moment. It releases that message throughout the entire body & the chemistry is formed accordingly. & people wonder how the physical body is left exhausted by a past trauma, or how traumatic experiences cause disease in the body.
“If thoughts can create your reality, is it possible your thoughts can make you sick?” Dr. Joe Dispezna
I rarely looked at anything, that’s something that I still struggle to do. Is that okay? Who knows, there’s no manual but sometimes I wish I’d be able to tell someone who understands, and they’d turn and say ‘me too’ – because I really have no idea, but I’m trying, I’m doing my best.
I was so upset that I didn’t have my little one’s things. I had a couple of bits with me, but most of it was at my former in laws home. I lost count of how many times I kept having to ask to have it back and when I finally received everything; I still couldn’t look.
22 months I waited for his things and I still couldn’t open the boxes up.
Not having Armaan’s little bits all together was always in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t do anything about it – it wasn’t in my control, nothing ever was. I was missing the hospital band, the tape measure that shows his length, the certificate with his birth details, 4D scan pictures. I really just needed everything in one place, and I needed it with me. I clung on to that for some sort of confirmation that he was real and that I have a son, because everything about what I experienced felt too traumatic to be real life.
This couldn’t have happened to me, what did I do? I remember so many people – my mum, my siblings, my Bhabhi’s all saying ‘why you Tasha’. I didn’t like hearing that, I think it’s because I knew it was bigger than ‘why me’ and I didn’t want it to be about ‘me’ – I let myself get lost in it all and I wouldn’t give myself a voice. In front of others, I operated like a guidebook, I stayed composed and I spoke logical. I wish I broke; I wish I honoured my hurt and I wish I spoke up more. I still wish I could have grieved with my baby’s father.
I returned all the baby clothes I brought so quickly – too quickly, I wasn’t ready. I just couldn’t take seeing it and knowing I have my baby’s clothes in the house but no baby. 5 days after I gave birth; I was in Next, crying behind my shades hoping the lady behind the cashier desk doesn’t ask my ‘why are you returning these, is there anything wrong with them?’. I prepared for it all the way. He didn’t come with me; he had a party to go to in London so off he went – suited and booted. Left me alone as usual. His mum came with me, it made no difference. I knew I’d have to talk to the cashier. I don’t know how I managed to get any words out but by this point I’d had to have the conversation about my baby having a severe, complex, rare and fatal heart condition so many times. As many conversations I’d had about the joy & happiness that pregnancy and a new life brings; I’d had more about my baby’s death. I managed to get a few words out of my mouth ‘there not needed anymore’ & tears streamed down my face, I could barely breathe and I somehow I masked the panic attack I was having.
Anxiety would wake me up. I didn’t know that anxiety could disturb your sleeping body like that. I’d instruct my brain to tell me what’s wrong and my mind/intuition would say; your restless because you want your baby’s things with you. I didn’t like the thought of some stuff here, some stuff there but I don’t know what my former husband was on; I just had to wait and be patient. & then I had to be fair to myself and have patience that I wasn’t ready to go through it yet and that that was okay too.
15-04-2021, Journal Entry
Today I finally received all your things.
Everything I had left of you is now here with Mummy and it’s given us a little sense of peace.
I was in the garden, a white feather landed by me and then Mum came to the garden… crying – Your Nani.
She cried that a box has come signed to me and she thinks it’s the little one’s things… & then she gave me a tiny white feather and said it flew through the door when the delivery came.
& then at the same time I lifted mine, the one that just flew in front of me and met my eye.
It reminded me of the day before your funeral.
Even though I am strong, and I know that I’m blessed, I feel your love. My hearts broken and I can’t get myself to a place of ‘God’ and I don’t feel to pray.
(God the Lord Creator of the Universe is you in verse)
Mummy’s going to do some yoga and come back after okay Bubba
I heart you. My heart is you. You are my heart.
Photo taken in my back garden, 15 April 2021 10:21
The baby feather that came to me, the bigger one that my mum had.
I gave my gratitude and offered them back to the Earth 🙂
13-05-2021, Journal Entry
It’s the 13th of May today. I still haven’t opened all of your things and I haven’t looked over everything. So long I waited to have everything with me, and I can’t bring myself to go through your things. Your Massi wants to see everything too. Did you know she has her own little box of Love for you? Her little pot of gold that’s what she called you, and tonker – because you made my tummy bloooom!
Your Daddy would say I’m going to be huge from all sides and joke how he’d throw me straight on a treadmill.
But you gave me the perfect bump and I was all up front.
Nani and me, we opened one box together but the other, the other I could not.
I opened the box of your first outfit that I brought.
Nani laughed and said it’s so typical of what I’d buy.
A whole matching pure white set with a bling’d out royal blue crown.
I ordered that from America for you, ready to wear in your newborn baby shoot.
My baby King.
I promise you soon, I will go through each and every one of all the little things that make up all the physical attachments I have left of you. Scan pictures, your handprints and footprints, some outfits and a koala bear towel.
Next month it’s your birth date. I can’t wait to visit the place where you took your last steps. I know it’s not the same place as where I came the year before, but that town is not for me no-more. & when I ended up at the crematorium, that felt more like you to me. What a coincidencethe people without faith will say in regard to that story. But it was destiny; I needed a trigger and I needed to grieve. The Universe works in mysterious ways.
I know you must of saw, both your Mummy and Daddy standing at the river, crying and hurt but all of that was done to honour you. We met on that date and put roses in the river where your ashes were done. Every step I take I have you with me, my duty to you made me change lane. I’m so proud for letting your light and love shine through, it gives me the strength to keep an open heart and yes, it’s true; all of that is because of how much you love me and how much I love you.
I don’t know how it’s been two years soon; the day you officially became missing from me, little did I know where this journey would take me.
Thank you little one. You’re the whole wide world to me. So much Love, Your Mummy xxx
“Sometimes it takes for everything to fall apart, in order to re-learn and re-wire, then we need to put back together and keep climbing to grow. It’s the light that you let in that keeps your heart in that flow, you’ll even start to glow and that part – that part is the bridge that connects you to everything”. Blusabar, 13-05-2021
13 July 2021, Journal Entry
I went through Armaan’s things today with my sister. Kissed the papers of where his hands and his feet touched when the nurses took his prints. I love seeing his hands and feet, them little bits of paper mean everything to me. I cried that I wish I could go back in time, take pictures of his hands in mine. If I could go back – I’d ask for time to just stop.
There’s so much I would have done differently. I wish someone spoke to me more, I wish someone tried to guide me & I wish just one person sat me down and said out loud to me your baby died, it’s okay to grieve. I wish I held him for longer, I wish I didn’t let go of him. I’ll never be able to get that time and live them moments again.
We went through all your scan pictures; I’ve got lots of them but that one where your facing inwards, that’s my favourite one. I love the way you turned inside me and lent your head against me. Cheeky monkey! I couldn’t stop looking at that scan picture and I carried it everywhere with me. I just found it to be the cutest picture I’d ever seen.
I hate this pain. I wish you could have stayed. Why did you have to come only to be taken away? I hate this pain; I hate living with this.
We spoke of you lots today, this last month we’ve spoke about you more than we have before, we both cried, we feel the loss of you. We feel you missing from our table settings and our family days don’t feel the same. I told her how it felt to hold you in my arms, looking down at you but seeing the shape of my lips, that same little dent chin. She said you must have been so beautiful. If only she knew. I think there’s so many things we’d change if we could. The pain was too much and I wasn’t open to having them around me, I didn’t want to do that to them. Plus, I wanted to protect you somehow – the one thing I couldn’t do. How comes I couldn’t keep you safe.
I wanted to cherish that moment when I birthed you, take it all in, be the first person to touch you. I wanted to keep that moment for life. I was in turmoil and I needed to keep a sense of control, I needed you, but I couldn’t keep you. I don’t know how I handled it; I don’t know how I got through it. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m here, I’m living and if I laugh too much or my days been busy; I feel that I‘m not honouring you enough. More hours go by before I think of you now, but I know we are here to live a lovely life. So that’s what I’m setting out to do. I’d change it all for you, I’d do anything to have you but I tell myself I will. That one day if it’s meant to be, I’ll meet somebody and then just maybe… you’ll come back to sit in Mummy’s arms.
Will you come and see me? I really need to see you. It’s been a while since I’ve dreamt of you. Before I sleep tonight I’m going to ask for you & hope I’ll see you whilst I sleep.
