Grieving. Are you okay? Yes I’m okay.

Friday 18^th July 2021, 17:59 

Grieving. Are you okay? Yes I’m okay. 

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Grieving is so personal; its forceful & the most singular experience of a broken heart, an illogical mind and a fractured soul. 

We don’t discuss ‘grief’, we don’t talk about losing a baby much in our community.

Or even as a society. As women. As men. As humans. 

That doesn’t mean that your suffering isn’t shared or valid.

Yours is no less valid than mine and me, 

& mine is no less valid than yours and you.

It’s different for everyone, but for all; the feeling of grief,

It’s something that’s indescribable. 

Is that even a word? In-de-scrib-able. 

Let me check. 

It is, it’s a synonym and the first records of it comes from the Latin; gravāre, it means

‘To burden’. ‘Heavy’. 

It’s definitely heavy. The pain manifests in me physically.

I get weighed down with what I’m carrying.  

How can I tell you how much its hurting?

I feel it all over my body; the pain in my legs would wake me from sleep, crying & questioning what’s happening to me. 

I channelled it through prayer & meditation; felt it move through me in healing. 

Working every day to release it from me, & slowly I started to feel the light of peace.

But the heavy feeling, it’s stays with me. 

Its hard to explain. 

But as this time starts to come close, it’s when I get asked the most – ‘are you okay?’

I feel it in the top of my chest, its like it wraps around my throat, the pain of grief consumes me.

& sometimes I feel it travel up my neck, through my throat and into my head. 

It kind of hurts & something happens to my ears; for a split moment the sound around me distorts and disappears.  

That’s what it feels like to carry. 

& at any moment it’s like I’m about to break.

But I say; yeah, I’m okay.

I hear the cries of the silence of the women before me,

I can’t vocalise what it is I’m feeling.

I too, feel trapped & gagged; because this is a pain we don’t speak of. 

We have to show strength, resilience, faith.

It’s my most vulnerable & empathetic state, 

But I should stay composed and not expose the tears that fall.

So I’m sure I will always say, yes I’m okay. 

But I do honour that pain, prayer & writing has been my sanctuary, 

My tears are sealed with notes to the Lord to take care of me.

I have a big job to do; healing for my ancestors, breaking generational curse. 

I’m hurting for the pain & sufferings of my maternal line too. 

I’m here for healing. 

It’s what my soul came here to do. 

It’s hard to explain.

The truth is I’m in life’s learning school; so I don’t truly understand any of this. 

That’s the grief journey. 

What can I say, other than I’m okay? 

I wouldn’t even know how to tell you, no I am not

My body lets me know it wakes me up at 3 o clock, 

I get pain in my tailbone 

and the womb trauma I still carry reveals itself by throwing off my energy. 

I can trick my mind though; them thoughts don’t take over me. 

I’m active so I’ll catch them self-damaging ones rapidly. 

It takes a lot to throw me off.  

But it’s that number 3, it’s that Mind, Body & Soul connection. 

Sometimes I don’t know what’s happening to me and I get lost a bit navigating through this journey.  

I’m okay. but I’m still grieving. Is that okay?