Yesterday I added posts to my personal account story which I know may have upset, possibly triggered some of my closest people or just made you think she needs to let something off her chest; but do you know who it upset the most… me.
I will always try to balance something with a lens of love and positivity. I look for the positive in a negative, but that doesn’t mean the negative is no longer there. It’s like acknowledging the light but not the dark that made you find the light and nor the darkness that surrounds it… without it, would it shine as bright?
Ego is part of the human personality and most, if not all scriptures delivered for humanity describe the ego as a cardinal evil, and even the root of all other vices. Psychoanalytic theorists describe the ego as a part of the human personality experienced in the form of ‘I’, ‘self’, within the context of the physical realm (the outer world).
What’s a vice? It’s something that turns you away from God, from accessing source energy. Gratitude and self-awareness allow for one’s ego to be acknowledged and then dealt with respectively. I come from a big, opinionated family – all your egos are bruised and checked. I feel that it takes a lot for my ego to knock my transformation and when it does, I’ve learnt to be good at quietening it, and quickly. All vices are transgressions that move you away from showing up as your spiritual self.
Spiritual literature discusses ‘ego death’. I didn’t understand it or feel that I’d experienced it. I made a decision to get better, somehow (fortunately) spirituality became a big part of that. Albeit, my growth/path was triggered by major trauma; I still didn’t understand the ‘death’ and I see it more as a ‘loss’; when something is lost it can still be found. I know mine is there, I work with it to get to root causes or quieten it because quite often; it can talk sh*t, but sometimes it has a point.
So why have I been guided to acknowledge and address my ego?
I’ve felt the consequences and the wrath of someone who’s operating from a place of ego/pride and that person is so far away from God. They prove to show they have no limits to the extent they will go to, to satisfy that animal instinct rather than recognising someone as another human being. As a victim of one’s ego/pride – my awareness is front row and if there’s one thing I’m certain of in life; it’s my relationship with Sidak-Sabar-Shukar, Faith-Patience-Thanks.
It’s the first time I’ve started to experience or taken a negativefrom practices that I do to enrich my spiritual growth, so I started looking into it. According to recent study in psychological science; yoga and meditation may inflate your ego; the result of such practices can increase self-enhancement due to the benefits it delivers to the mind, body & soul. I wondered if I was being guided there but it’s not that; I don’t do well with everyday same routine other than prayer – the rest of the practices I do as I feel to. Sometimes I’m on it, sometimes I’m not. You can’t reap the benefits of something that you’re not consistent with.
It’s not that, and it’s not ego in the sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
I am human though, certain things p*ss me off, especially when it’s unjust and un-necessary. I know it’s not from a place of malice and its without intent, so I don’t say anything, even if I’m doing a disservice to myself. But it plays on my mind after, & that voice – I tell it not to think too much and after a couple of days I forget about it.
I started to think is it because of this avoidance; I do that because I always look with a wider lens and it’s really not that deep with that perspective; is it worth it over such trivial matters… what’s the point.
I’m not going to lie though, following this guidance – it’s been hard! To do something that’s un-natural and even taboo… & doing that from such a private place. I was hurt that from some of my closest; I didn’t hear anything back. Everyone says they don’t know what it was like for me, but I’m sharing it now – if I asked once or twice, should I again? (egotalk) I should – because people are busy & I hear that. I did have a couple of really meaningful conversations and I was able to understand that maybe my family & friends need time to read it as it’s emotional for them.
Well anyway; I let my ego go wild in free flow for a short while and then took the day to reflect on how it felt. I think I felt a snippet of what the ego death feels like. It’s not a place I like to be; I value the essence of humility (Nimrita).
I might have ruffled a few feathers, but I did it with a bit of humour hoping you’d see it’s not something serious. However, sometimes things need to be said and whilst subject matters are minor; in societal terms it’s not – but I’ll leave that for another post. Either way, I definitely still didn’t understand the message straight away, but I spoke to a few of my girl’s – got some insight / clarity, meditated, and I quietened my mind, slept early.
I woke up and I think I understood it.
Firstly, are you a giver or a taker? A giver doesn’t give to receive; they do so because when their soul was ready for the Earth plane; they already knew the role they’d play. It cannot be changed. I am a giver and I’m happy to be so. But energy is a vibration and when you give it away so freely, you’re not setting yourself a healthy boundary. Your lowering your own energy field by not honouring yourself. So maybe I need to speak up a bit more in the moment as opposed to spending days telling myself it’s my ego speaking. It’s not, it’s deeper than that and energy is everything!!! I want to protect and work with mine as best as I can.
“surprising as it may sound, many people don’t have enough ego, and that leads to insecurity, hollow participation, and apathy that paralyze cultures and leaders”
Secondly, I have a big problem with asking – I always have done, even in prayer. I’ve always struggled to ask for what I want & I’d rather not ask anyone for anything… I’m not use to it; I handle my own self. Last week, one of my girls said my inability to want to ask for help, will be the biggest difficulty in making sure blusabar reaches the people who need it & I need to learn that asking for support is not a weakness. Is it pride, is it ego – maybe it’s both(?)
The ego show’s up in different forms and whilst I think the hold it carries can die; I know the root is still there. It’s supposed to be right? It’s part of the personality and we’re given so much guidance on how to manage it in this realm; the ego in itself, is on its own journey.
“the ego is a vital tool to our existence in the world. It guards the body and the mind to ensure that we acquire for ourselves what is essential for our survival”
After seeing my posts, one of my girls called laughing her head off and goes right, what’s annoyed you and spoke to me about how she can do more. That lead to two people reaching out; just for that it was worth the day I didn’t enjoy.
Sometimes I think were so busy in mundane life that we forget about others so quickly. I can be guilty of it too – life is busy, and you can’t be bothered but its important people start to make that little bit of effort… and be bothered.
Especially for the people who pull through for you, but mostly because mental health in the South Asian Community is not understood and so many people are suffering in silence. When it comes to Asian women, mental health has largely been neglected as an area of research and for Asian men it’s even worse.
P.S. I do know that my people love and support me; all your messages & kind words mean the World, Thank You. I Love You Back!
Coming Soon: Mental Health for both female and male within the British South Asian Community.
September 15, 2021
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